this post is about my OC kirari and, without really meaning to at the beginning, how she somehow became a reflection of my own self. (CLICK TO READ MORE!)
this is based on the short story i wrote a while ago titled "what is a dream" which you can click here to read if you haven't. the basic jist of it is a young woman (kirari) throws herself into the sea because of a dream where she met a sea serpant while floating deep within the ocean. in any normal circumstance she would've died, but she somehow doesn't, learning that she has an innate ability to breath underwater. she also talks at length about how she doesn't really fit in in her day-to-day life and while she had some hestitations at first decided to trust this random sea serpant and toss herself into the ocean.
BUT FIRST, we need to go back in time a bit and talk about kirari's origins as a character.
BUT FIRST, we need to go back in time a bit and talk about kirari's origins as a character.
originally, kirari was meant to be a VTuber design for the Mirai Akari vtuber design contest back in 2018 on pixiv. feeling like i was confident in my design abilities, i decided to make something. i worked very hard on a theme that i thought people would like, even doing some research into things. back then, i was still very much into the idea of VTubers way before the BIG western interest of 2020 during the pandemic. i wanted to have my go at it, but i didn't want to become the VTuber, i just wanted to design one.
my friends all believed in me and thought that i would win. i started getting a little confident myself, even though i never usually am. i thought my design was way more unique and had more going on than some of the others i saw in the event tag on pixiv.
but, of course, my idea wasn't good enough and instead they went with something else instead. i started thinking a lot about what i'd done wrong, constantly analyzing and wondering how i lost and how i could try to do better. but i just didn't get why i lost. eventually, i thought that maybe it was because i was a foreigner and that probably wouldn't have looked very good for the company mirai akari was signed to at the time. but i think it's more likely that i didn't understand what was truly marketable.
nevertheless, i took it personally. having gotten really attached to kirari. and i drew the following really upsetting set of images:
but, of course, my idea wasn't good enough and instead they went with something else instead. i started thinking a lot about what i'd done wrong, constantly analyzing and wondering how i lost and how i could try to do better. but i just didn't get why i lost. eventually, i thought that maybe it was because i was a foreigner and that probably wouldn't have looked very good for the company mirai akari was signed to at the time. but i think it's more likely that i didn't understand what was truly marketable.
nevertheless, i took it personally. having gotten really attached to kirari. and i drew the following really upsetting set of images:
in retrospect it's quite cruel, y'know? kirari was made because i thought it would make people smile, and here i am theoretically locking her away because i'd assumed she was a failure, that i was a failure. kirari deserved the world, she deserves better so why even bother with her if she didn't get the best the world had to offer?
well little did i realize at the time but i was projecting extremely hard here and i didn't realize it until much later.
see, much of my life i didn't really have much that i'd wanted and so i just did what i was told to do. go to school, get good grades, do as you're told. everyday up until it was time to go to college. i never really thought about what I wanted to do once i'd graduated high school and everyone was telling me i needed to go to college or i wouldn't have a chance in this world. so i went, and failed super hard because i barely went to class, feeling too depresssed half the time to do anything but surf the internet and lay in bed. i couldn't handle my newfound freedom at all and so eventually i dropped out.
it took me years, a whole decade even, to figure out what i wanted to do with my life. in that time i also had many relationships with people, romantic or not, that fell through time and time again. a lot of them felt like i was just being used or was only kept around because everyone was too lazy to do anything about it. most of my romantic endevours eventually involved erotic roleplay with my characters, when all i really wanted to do was play out a cool story with them. i cared a shitton for my own characters and i thought about romance much differently than a lot of nerdy boys online at the time, but unfortuatunately i didn't really have the words to describe what i was feeling, so those feelings just festered for years and years. (i'm asexual as hell) and a year or so ago, i had a guy using my characters to push up his own and make his own characters way more important, and, not only that but, using what i assume is was false tale about the fact that he's going to die to pressure me into doing whatever he says.
not only that but recently i discovered my mom's side of the family may be faking the family love shit (and maybe have been doing it longer than i've been alive too). i'd been helping my mom with my aging grandparents for the past 4 or so years if no one knew. it's a lot to deal with, especially when one is literally dying as you do so. it doesn't help that your family starts to give you shit and then never actually explaining why, only going to pretend like they weren't just shitty to you 3 minutes ago.
as some people may know, i'm very honest and can come off as blunt often, but my family absolutely despises this, going as far as to shut me down should i speak up against things they ask me to do, even if it's suggesting different ways of doing things. even just playful jabs and jokes are apparently too much. i thought family like to poke fun at each other? guess i'm mistaken. maybe i was being too harsh, i dunno. i won't know because NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING.
it's gotten to the point where people just talk behind each others backs (my own included) instead of actually talking things out. and when i finally got the opportunity to say my piece a couple months ago, feeling like my family didn't want me around, i was told to "just put up with it".
it was then i realized my family doesn't actually care about me at all. i'd had the most intense suicidal thoughts i'd had in a long time that week i was told to put up with it. i didn't want to wake up. i'd thought about getting melatonin and taking way more than is suggested on the bottle, because i just didn't want to be anywhere near that situation.
but i had a thought just earlier today--that's just kirari.
kirari felt like she didn't really fit in, and so she took to the sea in hopes that she'd find herself. i hope that one day i'll get that chance too, and hopefully soon.
it's been far too long.
well little did i realize at the time but i was projecting extremely hard here and i didn't realize it until much later.
see, much of my life i didn't really have much that i'd wanted and so i just did what i was told to do. go to school, get good grades, do as you're told. everyday up until it was time to go to college. i never really thought about what I wanted to do once i'd graduated high school and everyone was telling me i needed to go to college or i wouldn't have a chance in this world. so i went, and failed super hard because i barely went to class, feeling too depresssed half the time to do anything but surf the internet and lay in bed. i couldn't handle my newfound freedom at all and so eventually i dropped out.
it took me years, a whole decade even, to figure out what i wanted to do with my life. in that time i also had many relationships with people, romantic or not, that fell through time and time again. a lot of them felt like i was just being used or was only kept around because everyone was too lazy to do anything about it. most of my romantic endevours eventually involved erotic roleplay with my characters, when all i really wanted to do was play out a cool story with them. i cared a shitton for my own characters and i thought about romance much differently than a lot of nerdy boys online at the time, but unfortuatunately i didn't really have the words to describe what i was feeling, so those feelings just festered for years and years. (i'm asexual as hell) and a year or so ago, i had a guy using my characters to push up his own and make his own characters way more important, and, not only that but, using what i assume is was false tale about the fact that he's going to die to pressure me into doing whatever he says.
not only that but recently i discovered my mom's side of the family may be faking the family love shit (and maybe have been doing it longer than i've been alive too). i'd been helping my mom with my aging grandparents for the past 4 or so years if no one knew. it's a lot to deal with, especially when one is literally dying as you do so. it doesn't help that your family starts to give you shit and then never actually explaining why, only going to pretend like they weren't just shitty to you 3 minutes ago.
as some people may know, i'm very honest and can come off as blunt often, but my family absolutely despises this, going as far as to shut me down should i speak up against things they ask me to do, even if it's suggesting different ways of doing things. even just playful jabs and jokes are apparently too much. i thought family like to poke fun at each other? guess i'm mistaken. maybe i was being too harsh, i dunno. i won't know because NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING.
it's gotten to the point where people just talk behind each others backs (my own included) instead of actually talking things out. and when i finally got the opportunity to say my piece a couple months ago, feeling like my family didn't want me around, i was told to "just put up with it".
it was then i realized my family doesn't actually care about me at all. i'd had the most intense suicidal thoughts i'd had in a long time that week i was told to put up with it. i didn't want to wake up. i'd thought about getting melatonin and taking way more than is suggested on the bottle, because i just didn't want to be anywhere near that situation.
but i had a thought just earlier today--that's just kirari.
kirari felt like she didn't really fit in, and so she took to the sea in hopes that she'd find herself. i hope that one day i'll get that chance too, and hopefully soon.
it's been far too long.